doing it scared

...and blooming new things

Hello Substack fam!

I know. I know. It’s been a minute. Ok, a very long minute. Some would even call it an eternity. But in my defense, a lot has been happening. One of those ‘a lot’ things is something scary. And I mean it’s been truly terrifying. What’s that scary thing you ask?

I decided to bet on myself and my art.

I’m currently in the process of creating and fundraising for my own web series titled Late Bloomer. It’s a coming of late-age series that follows Sloane Williams, who at the ripe age of 32 has been dubbed the family spinster. *gasps in singlehood shock* If this wasn’t enough of a scary thing, I’m also starring in the damn show. And to be honest – I have absolutely no idea what the heck I’m doing. But… I am doing it scared.

As many of you fabulous readers know, I moved out to LA several years ago with four suitcases and a dream to pursue becoming a TV writer. I really struggled to find my footing and oftentimes still don’t feel like I have it. But more than anything, I wanted to create. I wanted to write. I wanted to make something. And gosh darn-it! I was so sick and tired of waiting. Ask my mother, I have always been very impatient.

Breaking into this industry is one of the most difficult and soul-crushing things I’ve ever attempted. On top of that, I am horrible at talking about myself or promoting myself. I feel self-conscious in big crowds. And even after church, I tended to scurry away because my social anxiety would sky rocket. I get nervous just going up and talking to people. Often preferring one corner at a party hoping someone would just come talk to me. So, how was I meant to blossom in an industry that’s built on forming relationships? This whole business is networking and asking for favors. How was I supposed to network when I felt like my mere presence was a burden? Well, the answer is therapy, IOP, and a high dosage of medication.

For those of you that know me - maybe even tangentially - you may be surprised to hear this. But remember that you know me. Meaning we’ve had conversations and I don’t feel like (as much) a burden to you. Also, my social anxiety has been growing over the years - especially after college. As I was thrust into adulthood, I became even more awkward in my body. I believed I took up too much space. I spoke too loudly. I was, in essence, too much. And because I believed these things about myself, I assumed everyone else believed them about me too. How could they not? My intrusive thoughts eventually became too loud and the depression too crippling, that I couldn’t imagine a world where I wouldn’t feel that way. Eventually, I just became a wilting flower who refused to drink water because I didn’t deserve it. And those of you that have read previous posts know that over the past year, I have been diligently and actively working on this.

So, cue Late Bloomer. It started as a germ of an idea for a pilot I wanted to write many, many moons ago. I decided to pitch it at a festival. While I didn’t win the pitch competition, so many people came up to me afterwards and said they loved my idea. It was fun, relatable, and something they’d want to see on screen. Their comments stirred a little rumble in my belly. Could this be the thing I make? By that time, I had written other pilots that people liked and was even getting ready to pitch one of my shows to a big production company. But nothing I’d written up to that point felt like I could make it myself. However, there was something about Late Bloomer that felt big and small at the same time. I could distill the big things I wanted to talk about into a web series. Five minutes each. Small cast. Post on… YouTube maybe? The joy of something new and exciting bubbled up inside of me for all of ten minutes before my anxiety riddled brain brought me crashing back to reality.

I couldn’t make a web series! Who would actually watch? Could I really write more than one episode? How would I even pay for this? I stay trying to make a dollar outta fifteen cents. And forget paying for the series - how would I pay people to help me make it? People could think I’m in theory talented but not donate their hard earned dollars to a nobody writer to create a project talented. So, I sat on the idea. Believed, I was never going to make it. But that need to create - to make something kept growing in me. Basically as loud as that anxiety fueled voice had been and I couldn’t shake it. Then came along my favorite plucky white lady and EP on Late Bloomer, Kristina. She believed in my project and told me it was possible. Not just pie in the sky possible but like really we can make this and here’s how possible. I couldn’t believe it.

But after a year of writing, a table reading with some truly incredible actors, and Kristina listening to my late-night voice memos of panic, we’re making it. Two other incredible producers jumped on board my little Late Bloomer train and started helping bring this project to life. They believe in me and my story - they believe in this little world I want to create. Whenever I think about their belief in this project, I’m overcome with the magnitude of it all. That they would be next to me to and help this project bloom - pun very much intended.

Late Bloomer is a project for the eldest sister who’s trying to hold it together. The person who’s never gotten their first kiss but desperately wants to. The person that’s scared to start living because the noise in their head is too much. The plus-sized lady who was told that their muchness should keep them from living. The person who’s been a perpetual wallflower but ready to bloom. It’s for the person that feels they’re too old to start when all they really need to do is take the first step. Late Bloomer is for you and for me.

That brings me to the scariest thing of this whole article - asking you to please contribute to making Late Bloomer a reality. We’re looking to raise $50,000. Any dollar amount helps – seriously any amount.

From the beginning of creating this series, I’ve been scared – terrified even. But I’m doing it anyway because I believe in this story so much and hope you do too. Even if you can’t donate right now, tell everyone about the project - seriously everyone. Do not keep this story to yourself.

Which brings me to one last thing to ask you all. (I know. I’m very demanding in this article.) Whatever that project is you’ve been putting off, that person you want to ask out, or that job you haven’t applied to yet – do it. Do it scared. We’re all blooming together.

Contribute here: account.venmo.com/u/koolbnzprod

Follow the show on Instagram: @latebloomerwebseries