big.

I wanna be big

I’m not talking body big - I’m already that

A lil cute mixed with fat

I’ve been told I have a big personality

But in reality…

My heart speaks for the wallflowers

The ones that cling to the little bit of hope

Hoping they won’t be erased

Because for so many of us - that’s the case

Because, is my personality big or am I just Black?

Is it just a matter of fact that my skin dictates I be loud?

Am I just a collection of TV depictions and white man’s fiction?

I am forgotten self

Like a collar round my neck being pulled back

I’ve already put myself on the shelf

Not willing to overstep the boxes of my own making

But my wants have got these bars shaking

So…

I just wanna be big.

I don’t want to turn to the side

Passing by tables and chairs

To find comfort in my four walls so I can hide.

I just wanna be big

So internal screaming can become a choir of angels

Just connect to my spiritual

Get that Oshun type of biblical

See, see, see

I wanna be big

Like the first time you watched Harry Potter and believed in magic big

That nothing can stop you

I’m all the way up big

I wanna be big

Just a little more bit more than Black famous

A little bit more worthy than worthless

In this land of excess

Released from the confines of my mind

I wanna be big

But I wanna stay true to me

Without the worry of the possibility that I’ll be killing my identity

An amalgamation of someone else’s design

So wrapped up in someone else’s consciousness

That I’m backed up to the starting line

And before I know it, I’ve lost my divine

I just wanna be big

Just make my mama proud of me

So when she hears my words

She cries “that’s my baby!”

I wanna be somebody’s calling card of maybes

Like maybe if she did it so can I

Or at least, I’m gonna try

See, see, see

I wanna big

Shoulders back and head held high

Sky so close they call me sista friend

I just wanna be big